Thursday, December 11, 2008

The weight of the world

I think everyone that has lived has had moments in life when you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
For me,, it comes when I am confronted with sickness and death. The sadness I feel is one that makes me ache in my soul. I feel it internally and harbor it there. I've had times when I literally felt that my heart hurt,, just from the sadness. Nothing seems to help till I can go through my mourning and slowly process it. Probley the moments I remember most for feeling that way have been when I have lost something dear to me and when I see injustice occur. The longest I have ever felt this way has been with Bo going missing out of my yard,, almost 2 yrs ago. I still mourn that situation badly and think of it daily.
With all that has happened with Dad lately,, I have been feeling a lot of that weight. At first,, it was almost panic that hit me that I could lose dad. "Not now" I kept thinking. "I just can't lose him now". After the initial shock of what was happening subsided and the process of leaving to be with him got underway, some really amazing and miraculous things started happening. It was on my journey home yesterday that I realized how this incredibly sad time for me has made me stronger and more aware then ever.
Firstly, I found that my network of friends rushed to my side. Each one providing such good support and contributing in their own special way. Tricia said words of comfort to me that I swear God placed on her lips Himself,, knowing that was what I needed to hear.
Debbie stepped in and made a road trip for me to retrieve 2 returned dogs and then came out to my house daily to exercise my house dogs.
Tammy rushed right in,, no questions asked, and took my "in labor" bitch and whelped the litter and kept momma and babies for me while I was gone.
Then,, there was the prayer chain of friends offering special prayers and blessings. We joked to Dad that he had every denomination out there praying for him.
My email was full of comforting words and acknowledgements.
Secondly,, in this time when we are at our worst financially (we've had to close our business due to the economy) and I didn't know where a spare penny would come from,, I was able to sell one of the adult dogs I had available to a wonderful home where he will be adored. This provided a great deal of the money needed to go see dad.
And lastly,, a spirit of comfort from God. For once in my life, I am at more peace with the future then I have been in some time. I know that His will is to be done regardless of our intervention and I am ok with that. Dad was ok with that and even in the time of great sadness, facing his own death,, he was given comfort as well. We took the time in slowly and made each moment count. Remembering the past and looking to the future, as it is to be.
I came home last night and just sat in amazement of what I viewed as the weight of the world on me,, not being "me" at all.
The good Lord has provided for me time and time again and here is, perhaps, one of the most special times of all. He placed people, friends and family in all the right spots of my situation to help with what was happening. Like a well orchestrated baseball team. Each playing there base and catching the ball every time it was hit to them.
To say I feel humbled,, would be appropriate.

Dad woke up from his bypass surgery. That was a huge relief and big concern. Now,, a tough road ahead. The surgery showed severe damage from previous heart attacks (that Dad thought was indigestion) and even with the new arteries,, his heart is only able to work at 10 percent capacity.
Dad has had a hard life. Polio as a kid of 7,, Muscular dystrophy, post polio syndrome, and now the heart problem. He has spent most of his life in full leg braces and for the last 10 years, in a wheel chair. I don't tell you this for sympathy, but to show what a fighter my dad is. They told him he would never walk. He played football and basketball,, for a while, till his legs broke. Several surgeries to his knees later,and they told him he would be in a wheelchair most of his life.. didn't happen till 10 yrs ago. All the while remaining positive and loving life. I NEVER heard my dad complain,, even when I knew he was in great pain. So if ever a person could pull through,, dad will.
Keep the prayers coming and I promise to be more positive in my next post.
God Bless you all and THANK YOU!


windsor Shelties said...

Our prayers and thoughts are with you and your dad as he recovers from surgery. Glad to hear you made it home safely.

Cody sends puppy kiss and hugs to you.


Lacewood Shelties said...

Oh, and I thought you were so positive and full of Grace in this post!!! What could be better than finding gratitude for God at a time when you're hurting the most.

You can tell what a special person you are, Shannalee, by the many friends that rush to help you!!!

We Love you.

Aspengrove Shelties Fantasias Collies said...

I dont think Trisha could of said it better I felt the same way when I read your post. IM so happy your Dad made it through surgery and pray for a speedy recovery. Sending hugs your way Dancer send her kisses Trust me they sure help!!!

Barbara Van Wyngaarden said...

I just heard about your father from Tricia. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know you already have your hands full. When I heard about your blog I wanted to see what it was all about and was brought to tears about what you posted about your father. I too went through these feeling when my father had his heart operation. It is hard to see your parents go through these things. My heart is with you at this time. As Tricia said, you are a very special person and your friends love you and care about you.
Love, Barbara