Monday, June 23, 2014

Reflecting and musing,, also some giddy

So,, I have been travelling a lot since April and now I'm finally home for several weeks.  As we were headed home from out latest venture in dog show hub-bub I was doing some reflecting.

Often times as I drive I do a lot of reflecting.  Mostly when the music is good and my travelling companion is taking a much needed nap.  This gives me time to become one with what I am doing and where I am going.
I think about the wins and losses.  The dogs of the past and the future babies coming around.  People and the things that have been said and how it either inspired me or gave me opportunity to inspire them.  I get emotional musing over the blessings I constantly have and how important it is to take inventory of them.  Not only for myself but to bring attention to those that do bless me.

This last set of shows was particularly nice for me.  My brother and sister-in-law showed up at the show in Montana, just out of the blue.  I know my sister-in-law had been to some of my shows but I'm pretty sure my brother had never been.  It was so neat to see them and for once in a very long time,, I was actually giddy.  I just was genuinely excited and giddy.  My brother got to see me show and got to meet a person I've really wanted him to meet for some time.  My mentor,, David.
David has always reminded me of my brother Ray in so many ways.  They are both great teachers and show incredible patience in doing so.  Both are adamant about standing up for injustice and hold a strong sense of protection over family and loved ones.  Both are into hunting and being outdoors and doing so in a sensible manner.  Anyway,, I was most excited to have them together before me.  They both mean so much to me and it was a time I won't forget.

I've taken on a strong sense of being positive and pointing out the positives in my life this year.  After a hard month of May when I was so discouraged by the pitfalls of my sport, I had to do something.  So I do a daily account of my blessings.  Not from a religious point of view, although I do believe they are from God, but you don't have to believe that to really be thankful for the "good" things in your life.  The more I do it, the more I see it.  Practice makes perfect I suppose and it changes the way you think about things.  There is just so much around me to really take thanks in.

I'm seeing rainbows again.  The deep depression of losing my dad is slowly lifting off of me and I'm getting back to the person that I was before.... albeit a changed person.  I don't really think we can go back to something we were once an experience has changed us.  The thing we can do is decide how that change will effect us and where we will go with it.  I can't remain in a state of despair.  It's not healthy.. so I am trying to grow and become better.  Better then I was and forever changing into something even better then that.  I want to be inspiring and encouraging.  Love the people I have in my life and become something they need as much as I need them.

Oh, how those long drives have served me well throughout the years.  Many fine memories for sure.  Many times that I can look back on now and smile and remember,, and miss.  I've had many travelling partners and each one was so special.  Kim, Pearl, Joanne and Debbie.  All a hoot and all contributing to some awesome memories.  Truly a blessing to be seen in that.

So,, with a few weeks to be home and set to being somewhat normal I have to find a way to reflect on things here.  The evening sunsets are perfect for that and I take a great amount of time taking them in each evening. Thank goodness for them.. so special indeed.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Getting back to me

So it has been almost 5 years since my last blog post.  I am going to make an effort to write here more often but can't promise much (addressing myself here).  Since I have been on writing hiatus, I can't expect that anyone will read this or anyone to be remotely interested in my ramblings, but the thing is that I tend to post too much to facebook about my emotions and ponderings.  You see,, I have to have an outlet I have discovered.  This annoys a lot of folks that think that you should keep your business to yourself and so on and so on,, and bull shit like that, but for me, I have to write.  A blog is a good way to do it and I don't care if anyone reads it.  It's out of me and that is what matters.

So much has happened in the time since my last post here.  Of course,, I think I have officially had my mid-life crisis.  The death of my dad and the grief that became me certainly has contributed.  You ponder life's meaning and lack of meaning.  It rocked my faith in God to the point that I still am not sure what to believe.  Joy in anything was impossible to find.  The breathe would be stripped from me frequently and sobbing would ensue.  To know me,, I am not the sobbing sort.  But sob I did and still do on occasion.  It's very surreal, death.  To be here one  moment and completely absent the next.  My mind doesn't know the difference.  Dad is still here is what it tells me.  I never imagined myself without him and still don't.  There are tasks that he asked me to do that I still haven't completed.. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to a place where I can.  One of those things is dealing with his ashes.  I feel deeply that it needs to be something I do alone and it weighs on my mind.  I'm not sure there is a soul that exists that I can really share the pending moment with.  I know if someone is there that I will hold back on what I really need to feel and I don't want that.  I know I need to feel what is there, in it's entirety, to heal and get back to me.

Getting back to me is another thing that weighs on my mind.  I've let myself go,, emotionally and physically.  Nature provided obstacles to slow me down and it did, but it also fed into a deep depression that I am just now really dealing with.  I think I need to just take time for me and get back to the me that I want and have strived to be all my life.  I can't help it.  I like sweet, loving, emotional things.  I like to talk baby talk to my animals and linger taking in the sites of weeds in bloom and sunsets that evoke emotion.  I like to listen to the sounds of nothing and sad, sad, music that makes me cry and then makes me give thanks for the things that have made me, up to this point.  I've gotten away from those things.  I've become my environment and just am existing within it.

I guess I'm ready for a change to get back to me.  It's just how it is.  I hope for the support of the ones around me but if it doesn't come then so be it.  I am the one in charge of me and here I go.