Sunday, June 1, 2014

Getting back to me

So it has been almost 5 years since my last blog post.  I am going to make an effort to write here more often but can't promise much (addressing myself here).  Since I have been on writing hiatus, I can't expect that anyone will read this or anyone to be remotely interested in my ramblings, but the thing is that I tend to post too much to facebook about my emotions and ponderings.  You see,, I have to have an outlet I have discovered.  This annoys a lot of folks that think that you should keep your business to yourself and so on and so on,, and bull shit like that, but for me, I have to write.  A blog is a good way to do it and I don't care if anyone reads it.  It's out of me and that is what matters.

So much has happened in the time since my last post here.  Of course,, I think I have officially had my mid-life crisis.  The death of my dad and the grief that became me certainly has contributed.  You ponder life's meaning and lack of meaning.  It rocked my faith in God to the point that I still am not sure what to believe.  Joy in anything was impossible to find.  The breathe would be stripped from me frequently and sobbing would ensue.  To know me,, I am not the sobbing sort.  But sob I did and still do on occasion.  It's very surreal, death.  To be here one  moment and completely absent the next.  My mind doesn't know the difference.  Dad is still here is what it tells me.  I never imagined myself without him and still don't.  There are tasks that he asked me to do that I still haven't completed.. I'm having a hard time bringing myself to a place where I can.  One of those things is dealing with his ashes.  I feel deeply that it needs to be something I do alone and it weighs on my mind.  I'm not sure there is a soul that exists that I can really share the pending moment with.  I know if someone is there that I will hold back on what I really need to feel and I don't want that.  I know I need to feel what is there, in it's entirety, to heal and get back to me.

Getting back to me is another thing that weighs on my mind.  I've let myself go,, emotionally and physically.  Nature provided obstacles to slow me down and it did, but it also fed into a deep depression that I am just now really dealing with.  I think I need to just take time for me and get back to the me that I want and have strived to be all my life.  I can't help it.  I like sweet, loving, emotional things.  I like to talk baby talk to my animals and linger taking in the sites of weeds in bloom and sunsets that evoke emotion.  I like to listen to the sounds of nothing and sad, sad, music that makes me cry and then makes me give thanks for the things that have made me, up to this point.  I've gotten away from those things.  I've become my environment and just am existing within it.

I guess I'm ready for a change to get back to me.  It's just how it is.  I hope for the support of the ones around me but if it doesn't come then so be it.  I am the one in charge of me and here I go.  

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